Cougarbait gets a hat

As I stare up the dark dusty lighted air ahead and watch the line of headlamps up disappear ahead of me up the first climb, I think and laugh how my introduction as an “Elite Masters” runner might have read the night before at the pre-race briefing…if you missed it, well…you missed a piece of ultrarunning history: “Now introducing innnn the blue corner,…. (I can see Alan Abbs at the old fashion fat microphone hanging from a wire — but he’s wearing a suit and tie like a boxing or UFC announcer does when introducing a fighter in the ring, it’s my fantasy, so I get to decide what Alan is wearing) ” he was 56th at White River 50 mile, 113th at Miwok, former course record holder at the Coulee City Cow Pie Jog and still…. (Alan raises his voice and puffs out his size 40 chest) THE TWO-TIME, DEFENDING, DNF CHAMPION OF THE WAAAAALDO, COOOOOOOUGARBAIT!”….I started chuckling to myself…because nobody was anywhere near me….then I realized, I may be DFL on the first climb. Once I get to the top of the first climb I decide to myself, “Self”…”I’m gonna count the number of people I pass”…so…I started counting….zero, ….um…..zero….I catch some runners near Gold Lake, but I have to take a pit stop that involves toilet paper, why did I add the detail that it involved toilet people…I dunno…but stay with me here folks….so, back to counting the people I pass….zero….zero….finally, I catch a bunch of people about 1-2 miles before Gold Lake….Maura says “Cougarbait, what are doing back here?”…I am thinking….(hmmm…back here?…I thought I was going fast?)…….if you happen to see a man wearing plaid shorts, a collared dress shirt and a floppy hat that a dork would be proud to wear…um..that was me — the dork…if you didn’t get the memo, it was business casual for Waldo. Also, if you didn’t know…I am the two-time defending DNF champion of Waldo. I had a score to settle with Waldo…I passed 14 runners in about a 10 minute span…..I hit Gold in 61st…so, that means I was 75th at the top of the first climb….

Cougarbait at The Twins Looking Stylish

My crack elite Delta Force crew is waiting for me at the road crossing outside the first aide station….like any good corner crew…they were ready, you know, I had a cut-man (my wife Kelly)…a shoulder massage man to lie to me and tell me I am doing great (daughter Maddy)…..and a yelling in my face and pointing their finger at me man telling me that I am doing everything wrong and getting the crap beat out of me man (daughter Kaylee)…., yep, they were all there…., cheering me along, pom-poms….signs….silly string…, they had everything I needed too, GU’s, water, protein, electrolytes….yep….just as we planned…..yep….in the truck…….yep….um…….yep…200 yards away….all safe in the truck…..oops…..yep..so, my wife sprints to get the stuff out of the truck…..then…more climbing up to Fuji….if you saw a man wearing plaid shorts, a collard shirt and a floppy hat that a dork would be proud to wear and he passed you….if you noticed….he didn’t doing it while you were going up hill….because Cougarbait’s can’t climb…despite all the best coaching money can buy (Jurek)…..video taping (Jurek)….weight training (Jurek)….rolling his eyes and waiting for me at the top of a training climb (Jurek)…therapy (Fatboy)….countless training runs (Fatboy)….advice on how big guys can climb (Fatboy)….I can’t climb…I suck at climbing…after having Ken Ward take pity on me and pace me up the climb to Fuji….I give Craig a man-hug at the top of Fuji…really, I was just a punch drunk fighter hanging onto to the ropes…but we hugged anyway, I thought we had a moment there???…(Craig, was that a flashlight in your pocket?)

Back down the hill….I settled into a smooth pace behind poor Mark Humphreys…yes….I ran with poor Mark Humphreys far too long…..well….far too long for poor Mark Humphreys (I understand he is in therapy after running with me?)…I was telling stupid jokes….singing about pigs set to theme to Spiderman and poor Mark Humphreys finally gave way to my verbal onslaught on insanity and just stepped aside …at Mt. Ray I am like 44th….I stopped counting people I passed because I couldn’t remember were I left off counting….so instead of waiting along the side of the trail for the last runner I passed so I could remember what number I was on….I decided to stop counting….besides…that’s just bad form, I am not trying to crack the top 10 at Western…so what does it matter?….really?…..it’s not about how many people I pass, what place I finish…it’s about Waldo, me, my family being there for support, pigs set to Spiderman music and driving poor Mark Humphreys mad….and plaid shorts, a collared dress shirt and a floppy hat that a dork would be proud to wear….so….I stopped counting…but I did pick up the pace at Mt. Ray….um…well, I didn’t pick up the pace…I just picked up the effort…

I got to see a lot of people I know between Mt. Ray and Charlton, in fact, I think I just saw about everyone….early starters, slow late starters, fast early starters, fast late starters having to start all over again (I really felt bad for those that got mislead off course), in fact…I think at one time…just about the whole race was contained between Mt. Ray and the Twins there for about an hour…I did enjoy the belly dancing, in fact with the belly dancing outfits I saw more than one Twins at the Twins….um..oh yeah…focus CB….focus…, kinda reminded me of the ring card gal that walks around the ring with big sign that says what round it is…TWINS!!!! I head down toward Charlton….then…I run into Roy Pirrung and Ragan Petrie….Roy Pirrung….running legend….Ragan….from Georgia…..I gotta a ton of respect for those two…as they found out…besides wearing plaid shorts, a collared shirt and hat that a dork would be proud to wear…I can’t climb…and Roy can swear to it too…they passed me about 678 times on the climbs…and I passed them back everywhere else…they were lucky though….we weren’t running the same pace…so, I didn’t run with them, so, they were sparred the CB onslaught of jokes, singing and verbal insanity…I was 21st at Charlton…6 hours….I figured to run an hour slower for the back-nine of the course…so 13 hours was a possibility….again, my Delt Force crew was at the ready…I thought the silly string was a nice touch…why silly string?…I dunno….she said yes when I asked her to marry me..so, she’s a little crazy too….but stay with me here folks…

I run with Tom Atkins and Lewis Taylor (Lewis…running the 70 miler Varsity version of the race) to Road 4932134313413126003whateveritis….they talk….I am focused….I have my game face on now…..oh yeah…serious…I ain’t droppen from Waldo…no way…no how…My crew is waiting for me at Road 4932134313413126003whateveritis….Maddy cracks open yet another can……can of silly string that is……and silly string flys as I come into the aide station…I realize at Road 4932134313413126003whateveritis that I am running well, I am not tired, I am going to finish this race….even Lewis…the fast man with two last names for a first name and last name Taylor says “CB, you’re having a good day, you’re running good”….to me that mean’t a lot….not because it was coming from Lewis…the fast man with two last names for a first name and a last name, I could really give a crap about how fast one is…….but it shows what ultrarunning is all about…he had all the rights to be pissed off, angry, focused on himself…but he wasn’t….I am sure he was upset on the inside..but the true ultra spirit showed, he was decent enough to give me a boost, that carried me to Twins II….my water bottles had silly string on them too!!!

On my way to the TWINS II, Roy and Ragan pass me for the bizillionth time…Roy was about ready to pin me down and perform CPR on me as we headed up the climb..and asked me if I was okay?…but I said…”I am just fine…I can’t climb.”…I head into the Twins II, passing Roy and Ragan for the bizillionth and one time……then… as I come running into the TWINS II wearing plaid shorts…. I run into the bee-stung Courtney Champbell, he’s higher than a kite, doing bee venom…shivering..I’d say his speech was slurred too, but he’s from Virginia…so ya can’t tell with them folks…..Sander was sitting on a rock toasted mumbling something……girls were dancing all around wearing belly dancing outfits, music, my crack Delta Force crew was there too…Maddy pulls out yet another can of silly string…things are just crazy here…truly…only a scence in ultrarunning can produce…I had to get out of there before I started muddering “All Work no Play makes Johnny a dull boy!” over and over again….I run into some hikers….wearing like these hats that one would wear in a rice field…I got a bad vibe from them..not friendly….(Suspects in my book)…

I get to the Maiden…yes….the Maiden….no silly string, no crew,…just me and the Maiden…I start up the Maiden…(Huh, this ain’t so bad)….a little higher (it’s bad…but not that bad)…a little higher (it’s bad)…I hear voices behind…it’s Roy and Ragan of course…they are chatting up a storm and I am on life support in front of them staggering around the trail…around the next corner (from bad…to real bad) Roy and Ragan passed me for 13th bizillionth time…..then the next corner (from real bad…really, really bad)….then…. I see Smucker telling me I look great……..then…. I see Smucker…oops…I guess I hadn’t taken another step…though it felt like it…then…up the final part…I see Jeff Riley…he’s yelling at me..”CB, CB, I knew you could make it”….Okay….1) The Rapture happened and Jeff is keeper of the Pearly Gates and I finally made it to heaven. 2) The Rapture happened and neither Jeff or myself made it into heaven and Jeff is the keeper of the gates of Hell — cause that’s what I feel like… 3)I got stung by bees somewhere along the course earlier in the day and I am still at the TWINS with Courtney doing mainline bee-venom toasted on a rock sitting next to Sander but I don’t realize it and I think I made to the top of Maiden 4)…I am on the top of Maiden…..Jeff voice becomes clearer after standing in front of him for about 2 mintues….Jeff says..”Um..CB…you gonna run back down the hill?”….I am like…oh yeah…guess so….then it’s Smucker again, more lies, telling me I look great….Leap of Faith….I passed Roy yet again….I hit Maiden Lake….it’s the Bend crew, Tracy, Colleen, Jason…they take good care of me big time….washing my face, filling my bottles, telling me I am doing great…lie to me, telling me I look great, strong…all good lies…it helps having experienced ultrarunners at aide stations..they know all the right lies!!!….I get to final segment….I was able to waddle to the finish…12:23…I thought I would run between 14-16 hours at best…I was there to finish the race, settle the score…I did..I finally got even with Waldo….thanks to my family for being there with me every step of the way, I found strands of pom-poms on my handhelds and silly string along the way, I found them when I was starting to doubt myself…then I realized why I was there and picked the pace up….who cares what place I was in….if I ran 16 hours, 10 hours…started at 3:00 am, 5:00, elite masters, plaid shorts, …none of that matters…I know that now….now that I finished. If you happen to see a man wearing plaid shorts, a collared dress shirt and a floppy hat that a dork would be proud to wear…um..that was me — the dork.